In the Process of Birth, Life and Death (Samsara) it is certain that everyone around us, including us, will depart from this world someday. If we know so much about Birth, Life and Death, why then since the dawn of Man, thousands perhaps millions of years ago, is it extremely hard for one to accept the reality of death. Why then is talk of death even considered Taboo in some sectors of society?
We are all mortals and deep down we yearn for Immortality. Even Freddie Mercury sang “Who wants to live Forever?” Why, even at an adult or an advanced age, mention of Death will make people look at you differently.
Perhaps we are the only Species that knows about our impending demise but only do not know when. It does not matter if you are a Darwinian or Agnostic or Gnostic, Death or any unfortunate event comes sooner than later and typically we will say, ‘Oh My! I didn’t see it coming’!!!
But as Hemingway once said - Life is short, nasty and brutish!!!
We do so many things to stay healthy and fit, and yet we hear about death every day.
And the reality is that Death comes like a heavy sledgehammer, sending us into depression. Every Death comes as a shock and impacts those affected very deeply. When we lose a loved one, especially those who were very close to the departed, it comes as a Shock and then Grief sets in automatically and all of us are certain to go through it.
What is Grief? What are the Stages of Grief and can Grief lead to Depression?
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), Grief or Anguish is a reaction to a significant loss, such as a Death of a loved one, which causes Physiological distress, separation anxiety, yearning, confusion, dwelling of the past, regret and remorse, and the pain is extremely intense.
My experience with severe Major Depressive Disorder (MD) and my subsequent massive meta research on Depression, I can attest without a doubt that I had the same symptoms of Grief in my battle with Depression. According to the APA, Depression is a Serious Mental Illness that can affect how a person feels, thinks and acts, and perceives the world.
Feelings like guilt, sadness, remorsefulness, excessive worry and thoughts about the past, and retreating from the public were so prevalent, obvious and debilitating for me.
It is now proven that the same symptoms will be present in a person who goes through a Grieving Process.
Both Grief and Depression are about loss. With Grief it’s about the loss of a loved one, usually a family member, and in Depression it could be income loss, trauma, loss of a limb, abuse, genetics, environment, loneliness, job loss, terminal illnesses, loss of loved ones and many more, but one must remember the symptoms are almost the same. There is evidence that these cause massive Psychological Pain or Psyche-ache and Physiological Agony.
Grieving Process can take anything from 6 months to 2 years while in Depression the low moods can last for years and can be deleterious and very dangerous if treatment is delayed or ignored.
One of the Side Effects of Severe Depressive Disorder (Major Depression) is Suicide.
Now let us look at the 7 Stages of the Grieving Process.
Shock - Occurs when one receives tragic news about the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss or terminal illness. This is the stage where they still behave as usual. The Shock creates numbness wherein the person doesn’t feel any pain yet but the emotions are on a roller coaster because they have yet to absorb it all. It is at this first stage one will be flooded with emotions but yet to absorb it fully.
Denial - This is where one knows a loved one has been lost but is in a state of denial. Questions like why the person is not around anymore? or like why the person lost the job, why they can’t get any project anymore? Why does no one hear?
Anger - At this stage it is perfectly normal to feel anger at the loss but most of the time one hides it well
Bargaining - At this stage we try to talk to ourselves, or to a Higher Being to make everything all right again. Questions like perhaps I could have listened or cared or stayed longer? We start to feel helpless and hopeless and ask questions like What If? At this stage it could lead to questions like ‘I could have done more but I didn’t?’, ‘Why did I not notice it sooner?’. It is at this stage emotions will be very negative, dystopian with endless bouts of crying spells. At this stage when the mind is ruminating 24/7 it could lead to a very negative, downward spiral and into the dark abyss of Depression.
Depression - Based on my experience battling Major Depressive Disorder, it is very hard to ascertain whether Depression is Mild, Moderate or Severe. That is why it is crucial that family members and friends must support each other in a crisis or in an existential crisis where there are no solutions or a way out. Some of the hallmarks of severe Depression is nonstop crying, weight loss or weight gain, and suicidal thoughts. These are tell-tale signs that the grieving person has succumbed to Severe or Major Depression, and science and evidence-based treatment is required.
Grieving is natural but many cannot overcome it which will lead to severe Psychological Physical Pain that will be so excruciating it is impossible to describe.
Even recently experts in the field of Psychiatry studies have identified an illness called PGD or Prolonged Grief Disorder and consider it a medical condition.
PGD may happen to a grieving person for a long time which could lead to a catatonic state. This is a serious condition, and every possible help must be given scientifically. During a Grieving Process one will experience almost the same symptoms as a person going through Depression.
6) Acceptance and Hope - At this stage the Grieving Person learns to accept the facts and the truth though it could be difficult. Hopefully that person will be able to overcome the loss and look ahead positively. Unfortunately, part of being human is to accept things you wish were not true. It is important that we must not rush anyone who is grieving.
Grieving takes time and for some it will take much longer. Don’t use words like “move on or life goes on”. These words show disrespect and total lack of empathy.
7) Processing Grief - At this stage the grieving person takes time to process that grief, trying to find meaning and a new purpose in life. We cannot rush this process. Grieving and recovery takes time, depending on the individual. It is a very emotional process and journey for the grieving person, family members and close friends. This is a journey of coping and there are no fixed strategies. It is an individual effort of trial and error with the support of family and friends.
It also means coping with the loss, the vacuum, the emptiness and this is where it is important to connect with family members and close friends.
Outdoor activities, including CBT can help. Clearly any Grieving Process has the same symptoms as depression and only the severity differs - be it mild, moderate or severe.
Family members must keep a close watch on those who are grieving. Though a loss can be physical, but the pain is always Psychological, and it doesn’t just go away because our body stores trauma and dark memories.
We must never let a grieving person fall into Major Depression because while the Grieving Process is painful, with Major Depression all feelings are lost and all pleasures of life are lost too. It is a very dark terrifying place to be in which no words can describe adequately and precisely.
Let us be more empathetic with those who are going through a Crisis or experiencing an unfortunate event in life.
Let us care for and learn from them because no one is immune from the crucibles of life.
